How to Get Neighbors Involved in Long-Distance Caregiving

A real treat today for me and for you. As you know, caregiver support and caregiving resources are two of my passions. And this article truly speaks to me as the community of care we were able to develop around my mother allowed her to stay in her home independently much longer than she would have without their support. Guest blogger Claire Wentz from Caring from Afar shares some helpful information about how to build that community.

 

Photo Credit: Pixabay.com

It’s hard to watch the woman or man who took care of you for so long become dependent upon you for basic care: making sure there are groceries in the house, checking for any wounds or bruising on their skin, changing the bed sheets, washing clothes, cleaning the house, managing money, and more. It’s even tougher when you live far away and you have to hope that your aged parent can still fix a meal or remember to take their medicine.

What’s more, these people don’t necessarily have to be your parents. They could be grandparents, aunts or uncles, or even older friends. In any case, if you live more than an hour away and you have been tasked with taking care of them, you are, according to the National Institute on Aging, considered to be a long-distance caregiver. And as Michael O. Schroederstates in U.S. News & World Report, the demand for caregivers is increasing as the population ages.

While you might feel you are the only one available to provide care, you actually do have allies who can help: your loved one’s neighbors. They can be your eyes and hands while you’re away,  and they might need to do a little more than simply knock on the door once a day to make sure everything’s okay. You will need to enlist them to actively help care for your loved one.

If the neighbors have lived next door or across the street from your loved one for many years, getting them to help might not be an issue. However, if you don’t know them, or if they’re new to the neighborhood, you’ll need to introduce yourself and explain what you need.  Here are some ways to set upa neighbor caregiving network.

  • Introduce Yourself and Completely Explain the Situation

If your loved one is a parent and the neighbors have known you for years, this should not be a problem. However, for newer neighbors, or if the loved one isn’t a parent, you’ll need to pay a visit and tell them about your loved one’s condition. If the neighbor agrees to help but isn’t familiar with your loved one, take the neighbor over to their house and have them meet.

Generally, try to get help from the neighbors on either side of your loved one’s house and maybe two others across the street. If there is a church in the neighborhood, speak with the pastor or church secretary. They might be able to recruit a volunteer to join your caregiver team.

  • Set Up a Meeting

Once you have your team set, hold a short meeting to discuss what is needed and which days each neighbor can check on your loved one. Prepare a list of daily tasksto perform. Ask the neighbors if they’re comfortable with performing such tasks as helping your loved one use the bathroom and cleaning up if there are any mishaps. Prepare a list of emergency numbers (your home and cell phone, the doctor’s, the pharmacy’s, each other’s, and another relative). Also, make sure they have your email address. Tell them when and how often you plan to visit. If they ever need to pay for something for your loved one, promise them you’ll reimburse them.

Don’t forget to give your allies small tokens of thanks for their help. Restaurant gift cards are always appreciated and welcomed.

  • Consider Live-In Care and Other Resources

If your loved one is in a location where there aren’t any or many close neighbors, live-in care — or even moving inwith a roommate — might be the best option. According to the Huffington Post, you can use either a home health agency or directly hirea caregiver. Other resourcesinclude companionship services, meal programs, and even organizations that provide care for those with specific diseases such as cancer or Alzheimer’s.

You put a lot of yourself into the care of your loved one, but having a network of neighborly allies can ease the burden of caregiving if you live far away.

 

 

Summer of Self Care – Day 28

Self Care, Sickness, Stress and Change

When we are sick, stressed or in the middle of a great change, the need for self care often intensifies. Yet this is the very time we are seemingly unable to put our needs in front of the ever changing landscape unfolding in front of our eyes.

In particular, self care often changes greatly when we are sick, especially if we are also trying to juggle child care, work, other caregiving for family and more.

And when we’re knee deep in some sort of change or stressed to the max, it’s hard to remember to eat or take daily medications and/or vitamins, let alone make sure we are journaling, breathing, meditating or taking a daily walk.

Sometimes self care must be put on the back burner during these times when other priorities or concerns have intensified.  But don’t give it up all together.

Here are some things to consider:

  • Right now, what do I absolutely need the most to stay centered and grounded in my own self care?
  • What do I KNOW works for me as a quick, uplifting self care practice? (For me, it’s as simple as listening to music and I can find music almost anywhere.)
  • Who can I turn to for help and support?
  • What can I control at this moment? This helps you stay present and feel less anxious. Easier self care activities like deep breathing, stretching and walking are a small activity that you can control and practice quickly.
  • What can I plan to do for myself when this situation/crisis/illness is over?
  • Where am I holding tension? How can I release it?
  • Draft a quick emergency self care plan – think about what you need the most and can do easily.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When we are sick, we are often tempted to think about all the things that aren’t getting done and piling up on the list. This adds to our stress and anxiety and makes us feel like giving up. Here are some things you could add to your emergency self care plan –

  • Asking for help is a simple act of self care. Find a caregiver or someone who can help with work, child/parent care, etc. just for a little while.
  • If you’re sleeping through medication times, set a timer in your phone or other device to remind you.
  • Listen to music or watch funny movies or sitcoms.
  • Read peaceful or favorite books.
  • Meditate.
  • Make a cup of tea as often as you need one.
  • Read back over these self care posts and think of what you CAN do while you are on Pause

Remember – self care is an act of love and kindness and is especially during times when you are sick or in some type of chaotic change. Even good change can throw your routine into a place that doesn’t feel like it has room for self care. Make room for whatever you can, when you can. Self care will ebb and flow – just don’t let it recede completely.

Summer of Self Care – Day 20

Knowing Your Numbers:

What is your average blood pressure each day?

How much do you weigh? And in turn, what is your BMI?

What’s your resting heart rate?

How about your fasting or daily blood sugar?

When was the last time you had your cholesterol checked?

Most importantly, are you prescribed important medication or a recommended vitamin supplement that you are forgetting to take?

Self care is health care, plain and simple. For those who are caregiving or parenting, basic personal health care is often ignored when facing all the things that need to be done for someone else. In fact, having a yearly check-up often gets put off until an acute or chronic illness results.

Or we just get busy, distracted and forget to refill a prescription, incorporate exercise or check blood sugar.

Knowing these numbers are in the normal range is important. If they are out of range, it’s important to incorporate changes in diet, exercise and medication as prescribed.

Self care reduces stress, as we have seen. However, there are times when we feel stressed or anxious because something else is going on in the body.

Sometimes we put off that check-up because we are afraid of the outcome. If that’s the case, ask yourself if the fear of learning that your numbers are high is greater than the fear of not knowing and facing a substantial medical event? Physicals and preventative tests like mammograms, colonoscopies and even eye-care exams are examples of self-care at its best. It’s better to know or to catch something early than it is to live with a chronic disease for so long that resulting complications become life changing.

The ultimate acts of self care are often those that have to do with your overall health– today’s self care plan includes:

  • Run a check of the numbers you can check yourself.
  • Schedule any appointments you know you need to take care of.
  • Evaluate areas where changes in health care are needed.
  • Follow up on any appointments you’ve had that can give you insight into your numbers or your overall health.
  • Fill those prescriptions you know you need to fill. Or pick up those vitamins by the end of the day. And while you’re at the pharmacy, pick up a daily pill box.
  • Take your pills at the same time you brush your teeth, drink your morning coffee or tea, or eat breakfast. (If twice daily is required, take the second dose at dinner or when you brush your teeth in the evening.)

If you REALLY want to make changes, start a health care journal and track your numbers, goals and changes in your overall numbers. Not only will this help you stay on track, but it will provide valuable information to your medical professionals during your visits.

Too scared? Ask a friend or family member to go with you or hold you accountable in making your appointments. Ask for help. Again, don’t let the fear of the unknown stop you from taking action.

Summer of Self Care – Day 9

Tech Free Day 

Our lives are full of technology.

 

Here’s a gift of self care you can give yourself every week, month or for a few hours whenever you need it most. A Tech Free Day can be one of the slowest and most peaceful days you’ve spent in a long while.

Years ago, I discovered a blog post by Tiffany Schlain about her Technology Shabbats and we decided to give it a try. We picked a Friday night at sundown, even though we aren’t Jewish, and made sure to inform family members that we would be unplugged and would appreciate text or call silence unless there was an emergency.

The result? From Friday night sundown to Saturday night sundown was the slowest 24 hour period we could remember experiencing for a very long time. We were more connected to each other and present. We created new ways to spend our time. We were more mindful of just how we were spending our time AND how much of our thoughts centered around an automatic desire to look something up on the phone or to turn on the television.

It was bliss. It was awkward. It was funny and sad and made us think about how really disconnecting technology can be. For devices that are meant to connect us with information and entertainment and service or support, they sure are keeping us from connecting in a meaningful way with ourselves and others.

I can’t stress how slowly time passes without an iPhone, iPad, television, radio, or E-reader.

For me, unplugging now and again is a self care habit. It forces me to get quiet with myself and those around me. It promotes extreme mindfulness. It relaxes me.

Now, I know what you’re saying – “I can’t have a Tech Free Day today because I am already reading this email in my inbox or looking at this post on Facebook!”  I get it.

So you have a couple of options:

  1. Start your Tech Free Day some time today when you can and commit to 24 hours.
  2. Schedule your Tech Free Day for some time before the end of our #SummerofSelfCare2017
  3. Take a Tech Free half day, or even just a couple of hours.

Spend a little time journaling during your tech free experience. Write down how it feels.  Whether this is something you want to do again. Whether you want your entire family to participate or you just want to go tech free alone. What would you like to experience tech free? Do you want to do this every week, month, or just when you really need it? Or do you never want to do this again. Could this be a regular self care practice for you?

If you’ve had to schedule a future Tech Free Day, what do you want to put in place to honor it? If you work at a job where you are on-call, can you switch with someone else? Set up a stronger boundary with colleagues?

You decide whether you feel comfortable leaving your phone somewhere you absolutely can’t access it. See how taking a walk or going somewhere without your phone feels to you.

Now, if you’re a caregiver, that may not be an option. But you can put it on silent and put it in your pocket, so you’ll get the vibration notice if need be but otherwise ignore. I would also encourage you to find someone you trust to provide respite care for you that will not text or call you unless absolutely necessary.

Will your family or friends forget sometimes and text you by mistake? Yes. Just assess if it’s an emergency, remind them gently that you are unplugged and carry on.

Can you combine a Tech Free Day in the future with a day trip, a weekend away or even an entire vacation? We took a Tech Free weekend to a local tourist destination once and it was lovely.  I’ve also used Tech Free Day as a reward after a huge project or event. What about a Tech Free Day plus a massage?

In the summer, Tech Free Days can be especially wonderful if you spend time swimming, hiking, biking or reading. (See Summer of Self Care Day 7 which can be replicated any day you choose.)

Now, in the spirit of walking my talk, I am on a Tech Free Day today as well. This is possible for me because some technologies feature scheduling options. I am enjoying being unplugged.

Enjoy the silence that happens when time feels like it stands still.

 

 

Summer of Self Care – Day 5

Your Absolute YES! List 

Just Say Yes

 

Now that we have taken a few moments to look at how and when to say no, today we will look at what makes you say, “HECK YES!!!”  Because taking a look at your Absolute Yes List helps you remember what to say no to.

An Absolute Yes List is a list of those things that you know you will always say yes to. They may be things that are aligned with your values, work process, health care plan or your commitment to family.

 

For example, your Absolute Yes List might include:

 

  • I always take time for a lunch break to breathe and slow down.
  • We leave our phones at the door when we come together for dinner as a couple/family.
  • I work reasonable hours. On most days, I will arrive at _____ and leave by _____.
  • When entering my busy season at work, I will make time to walk for at least 15 minutes each day.
  • I will take at least one week of vacation time per year.
  • I have an open door policy.
  • I have an open door policy between the hours of ______.

You get the idea, right? What are those things that you will rarely compromise on?
And what are those opportunities that really light you up? How do you feel when you know you have been gifted with something you want to say an Absolute yes to?

When you take time to think of those things that make you want to say yes every time, and those things in your past that you have said yes to with absolutely no regret, you will be able to create a list of Absolute Yeses.

If you’re a Caregiver, there are things you can’t compromise on. If someone calls and says your parent, spouse, sister, etc. is in need of something immediately, you say Yes. And you go. Do. Handle.

But this also means you have to make room in your life for those Absolute Yeses so that you don’t feel so pulled and chaotic that those yeses make your whole day go off kilter.

Today, start what you think is your Absolute Yes List. It doesn’t have to be carved in stone and it certainly may change, especially if you are a Caregiver.

Think of what lights you up – what brings you the most joy or satisfaction? Is it time with a friend? Travel? A hobby? A collaboration?

What makes you want to say,

HECK YES!!!

(I recently purchased a T-shirt designed by Amy Tangerine. I love all of her stuff and she  collaborated on this project with My Cents of Style. I love this t-shirt because when I wear it, it makes me feel open to those things I want to say YES to. The other day, I was wearing it for the work day and later found myself with a few minutes to visit my granddaughters. My 10-year old granddaughter, Kandyce, said, “Grandmama, why does your t-shirt say, “Heck Yes?” I told her that it reminds me to consider those things that excite me the most and say yes to them – like a short visit to see her on a Friday afternoon. If you want a Heck Yes t-shirt, you can find it here!)

Creating Some Daily Habits

Habits Quote

Looking for inspirational quotes can also be a daily habit!

 

One of the best things about becoming a coach was the training I received from Coach University. There were a variety of courses offered in both of the programs I completed, but one of the first courses I took was Personal Foundation.

Now I could write a book about what I learned in that class, but there is one available. (Warning –  it’s pretty pricey. You can find it on Amazon right here.) One of the best tools I received, and one I share with my clients frequently, was the idea of creating ten daily habits that would keep me grounded and ensure I had enough reserves to get through each day. It’s one of the best ways I keep my work and life in good balance. When I was caregiving for my mom, I often got so stressed that I would let my daily habits fall by the wayside. This resulted in anxiety and a feeling that everything was out of control. That experience taught me that making sure I practice my ten daily habits when I am stressed is critical to keeping that stress under control.

When we’re in crisis or depleted of energy from our “busyness”, we tend to be reactive rather than responsive. When we create personal energetic reserves, they help us feel as though we are connected to a place of balance and control.

Your daily habits can be whatever you want them to be and you don’t absolutely have to do each one every day. In fact, at first, it may be hard to fit them all in. And these habits don’t have to be time consuming. On my current list, there are three things I can do in the space of 20 minutes that help me to ensure that my day starts off in a way that is optimum for me.  For example, you might decide you need daily exercise, some motivation from a favorite podcast and adequate amounts of water during the day. Three habits can be accomplished all at one time if you bring your phone, earbuds and a water bottle on a morning walk.

Here’s a list of my 10 daily habits:

1)   Inspiration and Visualization (can be my music playlist or time spent visualizing what my success really looks like.)

2)   Move my body in some way every day (usually means morning yoga, but can be a walk around the block or doing a happy dance while listening to music playlists.)

3)   Morning pages/gratitude journaling. (three long-hand pages every morning thanks to a practice I learned from Julia Cameron over ten years ago)

4)   Read something every day (could be as simple as a blog post or article online or just might be the books I am currently reading.)

5)   Grounding and centering (I set a daily intention just after yoga while I am still on the mat)

6)   Meditation or quiet time (still on the yoga mat)

7)   Karma notes or calls (a practice I learned from Veronika Noize as a part of her marketing class. Just reaching out to someone every day and exchanging a positive thought or a thank-you for something)

8)   Water (I don’t feel as well as I want to feel if I stop drinking water.)

9)   Declutter – spaces, thoughts or inbox. (A little decluttering each day goes a long way toward keeping me from being anxious and unproductive)

10)  Create at least one new thing (I might draw, paint or write. Just one little creative thing daily keeps me happy.)

Get the idea? I keep my list of 10 Daily Habits taped on one of the cabinets next to my desk so that I am constantly checking in to them, refining and refreshing the list as needed. When you first start, it helps to keep them handy and nearby.

Ready to create your 10 daily habits? Here’s a Ten Daily Habits Template to help you get started!

 

 

Stress-Proofing Your Life

Since we are all Game Of Thrones fans in this house, we think she’s saying “Where Are My Dragons??!!

We recently experienced a life-changing event in our family. Our newest granddaughter, Adeline Rey, came into the world on May 4th. But she tried to arrive much earlier, which resulted in bed rest for mom and a team effort on the part of the family to ensure that mom and baby were cared for and all the moving pieces and parts of family life and work responsibilities carried on, as usual.

During an email conversation with a fellow coach, I was reminded of the importance of preparing for impending stress, even when that stress is a result of an incredibly joyful event.  I thought about what she said and realized it applies to your company or your work teams as much as it does for self and family.

The idea of stress-proofing is anticipating, as much as possible, what the stressors will be and how you will respond to them. So in the workplace, you might be bidding for a new contract, opening a new office or producing a new product. Extra hours may factor into the anticipation of stress, as well as taking on additional roles or responsibilities, either temporarily or permanently.  And of course, life happens and you may experience the need to stress-proof your life and business due to an accident, an addition to the family or a sudden illness that causes you to shift into caregiving mode. You feel as though, for whatever reason, you may be exhausted or anxious about change.

When we are under stress, we often find ourselves feeling as though things are out of control. Or we become more intolerant of others, realizing that things that were negligibly bothersome before now seem large and extremely annoying. Stress can cause individuals to shut down and stop communicating effectively. Add a dose of sleeplessness or exhaustion and you’ve got a recipe for angry responses, team members dropping balls or meltdowns.

Stress proofing helps you keep some of the negative responses or conversations to a minimum.  The process includes meeting with the team before the change or extra work begins and considering some of the following:

1)    What stress points can you anticipate? Can you break down each aspect of the project or process and think about what stress producing events might occur?

2)    When you think about your stressful situations in the past, what has worked well for you? What do you want to make sure you don’t bring into the plan this time?

3)    Who will handle each aspect of the project? Who will cover what and what is the absolute minimum acceptable response to the everyday, as well as the new stressful situation? What can’t be left undone and what can be divided up most effectively?

4)    How will you effectively track progress? Do lists or visual prompts help you feel more in control?

5)    What will you do during your down time to mitigate your stressful responses? Do you need to ensure you continue or add exercise? Proper hydration? Music or time for a movie or your favorite television show?  Music and laughter are very useful in creating a greater sense of calm and wellbeing.

6)    What will you do to shift your response if you find yourself moving into the role of control freak or generally becoming more intolerant of people or situations?

7)    Who else needs to know that you are moving into high gear and may not respond as quickly or calmly as usual?

8)    What supports do you need to call in? Who else besides yourself or your team members can take up some of the personal or professional slack?

Once you have an idea of what this may take and how you can implement the plan to help mitigate the stress, consider jotting down some notes about your stress-proofing plan so you don’t forget when the going gets really tough.

Also, don’t forget that your response to things during this time is coming from your perspective of things.  And your perspective may be the complete opposite of someone else’s. You are feeding yourself information about what’s happening and that information may be based in reality or based in a slightly exhausted, anxious or even panicked version of reality. Try to step away and look at things from several different lenses. Ask someone who isn’t in the middle of it all whether you are being unreasonable or coming at things from a skewed perspective. Then figure out how to get closer to a more realistic view.

Self-care needs to go into high gear when you are facing an increase in production or a change in the way you normally work. Sadly, self-care is often the first thing that we take off the plate. Don’t forego those things that calm or comfort you because you have less time. Find a space to slip those self-care activities into your day as much as possible. And if you absolutely can’t, resume them as soon as you can.  You’ll feel yourself coming back to your regular routine fairly quickly as long as you are mindful of what you need to include during the day.

I’d love to hear your ideas about stress-proofing and how you might approach the next situation in this way. A little bit of thought around stressful situations and responses will go a long way toward making you feel better and help you work through it with a greater sense of peace and purposeful action.

(PS: A couple of years ago, I stumbled on coloring books for adults and realized the claiming benefit a few moments of coloring can have on my mood. Now, they are all the rage and you can find them almost anywhere. If you haven’t given coloring a try since grade school, I highly recommend it as a stress-proofing tool!)

From Overwhelmed to Intentional

 

Happy New Year!! 

It’s been awhile since my last blog post, hasn’t it? Where have I been? I did not shut down my business or stop coaching. I did embark on a few years of intensive caregiving and advocating for my mother, who had Alzheimer’s Disease. We lost her on December 5th of 2013 and I began a new part-time position with AARP Mississippi just five days later! I knew this new job would give me more time to coach and work in my business. And it did. However, the challenge of learning new systems, technologies and training platforms meant I had to prioritize. So taking good care of my existing clients and helping new ones was THE most important thing I needed and wanted to do. Newsletters and blog posts could wait.

Rewinding, Reflection and Renewal

So one year later, 2015 has begun and I am reflecting on what I learned over the past two years. 2013 was filled with scheduling: work events, doctor’s appointments, care team meetings, applications and follow up. 2014 felt like it passed by in the blink of an eye, partly because I felt like I was always reacting, rather than responding. Do you ever feel that way too? I felt largely unprepared, like I wasn’t thinking ahead or planning anything at all. And in many cases, I wasn’t because so much of what I was experiencing in my new position was new and untested. But my business systems and personal stuff was fairly routine! I COULD plan and organize those things more efficiently. Why wasn’t I doing that? Upon reflection, I can say this: I did a LOT of things I had longed to do and couldn’t when I was caregiving for my mom and working myself to death. I spent a lot of time in 2014 doing what I love: scrapbooking, playing with my granddaughter, reading and relaxing. It took me awhile to realize that what I wasn’t getting done made space for me to be in renewal. To heal and rest.

New Year’s Resolutions don’t work for me. 

I read the other day that planning and organization are one of the top resolutions people make in the near year. Planning and organizing are certainly high on my list for 2015 too. But I don’t like the word “resolution” at all. The root word, resolute, is typically defined as ‘unwavering.’ My life wavers. People get sick, die, change jobs and move. And if I am unwavering, I am not flexible. Rather, I make ‘Intentions’ for the new year – things I intend to do, if everything lines up and stays favorable. If it doesn’t, then I can reflect and figure out how to stay generally focused. I reflect on the past year most years and this past few weeks, I have taken a lot of time to discover why I felt so overwhelmed.

I’d like to go through this with you too. 

I really want to share what I’ve learned and the process I go through with anyone who needs it. No kidding – I want everyone to stop feeling overwhelmed and to feel more prepared and responsive. But, there’s a lot – WAY too much to include in a newsletter or blog post.

That’s why I’m offering a free training call – Make It Meaningful: A Guide to Intentional Living and Working. I’ll spend about an hour telling you about where I was and where I am now, what helped and what didn’t, and how you can get closer to a more meaningful and intentional life and work environment. During the call we will:
1) Explore what you most want to do and how to stay out of rabbit holes;
2) Prioritize and then plan and organize those priorities;
3) Create a process for staying on track.

This call is absolutely free and happens on Monday, January 19th at 7:00 pm Eastern/6:00 pm Central time. That should give you some time to grab a little something to eat, find a note pad and a pen that writes and settle in your favorite quiet spot.

All you have to do to sign up is to email me at LaurieJohnson@4elementscoaching.com. Or you can go to my website at www.4elementscoaching.com and click on the Contact Us page, putting Make It Meaningful in the subject line. Then just write “Sign Me Up.”

The call will be recorded, but if you dial in live, you’ll have an opportunity to receive a free gift AND to participate in some other opportunities that will be offered in the next few months.

Start Right Now! 

If you want to make planning and responding a priority, start now by making this call a priority. Add it to your Outlook calendar or set an appointment and reminder on your smart phone. And be sure to invite your friends too – we all know someone who could use a little help, don’t we?

I can’t say for sure if I will be sending out regular newsletters or blogging weekly in 2015. It’s my intention to add these things back into my work and I have set these tactics as priorities in my schedule. But, as one of my colleagues often tells me, “Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape.” I know this: 2015 will be a meaningful year for me, just as 2014 was after a little learning and growing. My intentions are clear and I know what matters most in my life. I hope you have a beautiful new year, sprinkled with happiness and joy. If I can help you make that happen, my life will be more meaningful too!