When someone changes your life, you honor them.

Years ago, a girl who worked with me introduced me to the work of a woman named Louise Hay. Linda was leaving our company and I remember going to Barnes and Noble to buy her a going away gift of some of Louise’s books, because she often talked about how much her work had helped her. Even after that endorsement, I wouldn’t take a real look at anything Louise had written for years.

I can’t exactly recall how it happened, but I was reminded of her again just before or just after I discovered the idea that coaching might be a way for me to move forward after Katrina.  First, someone else I knew said, “Have you read anything by Louise Hay?” And then a few weeks later, my first coach quoted Louise in a session. She then told me that Louise had an online radio station called Hay House Radio and it featured a coach whose work I also admired, Cheryl Richardson, and a guy whose work I had discovered in college named Wayne Dyer. She said, “If you’re willing to take a look at this, let’s talk about it next week and how it might speak to your current dissatisfaction with what you’re doing.”

To say I looked is an understatement. I devoured Hay House Radio and ordered one of her books. I downloaded podcasts featuring all of them and listened whenever I was in the car. They all said things I had no doubt heard before, but that at a time that I wasn’t really listening the way I was then. I was ready. It was time to change my thoughts and to change my life.

Where I am today in my work and in my beliefs about myself are like night and day. My thoughts aren’t perfectly positive every day – in fact, far from it! I’m just more aware of them most days. Some days are still crumple and cry days for sure. But I’m always moving forward…always equipped with this one key to success. Thoughts are things. What you think about comes about. Because when you change your thoughts, you change the way you feel. And when you change the way you feel, your level of self love, happiness, presence, and belief and hope changes the way everything else unfolds for you.

I’d heard these concepts in church when I was a child, but the way these teachers described these concepts made it all connect for me. It wasn’t woo woo or metaphysical to me, but a practical application of the same principles that had been written and practiced by thought leaders, disciples, priests and kings.

I began gratitude journaling daily. I repeated daily affirmations as a way of taking what I used to think of as prayer into a whole new level. I learned that believing something could happen was the first step, followed by actions, and then miracles would follow. And they have.

Wayne died two years ago yesterday, leaving behind a legacy of written and spoken words.

Louise died yesterday at the age of 90. Exactly two years to the day after we lost Wayne. They were colleagues, friends, and faithful supporters of each other’s work. I can’t imagine their joy at being reunited again.

If you’ve never picked up one of Louise’s books (or Wayne’s)  or listened to one of her audio or video presentations, I encourage you to do so. Her life story is incredible to hear.

But today, I just want to take a moment to use my words to honor a woman I never met and to be grateful for all that she was to me. To say that she changed my life is also an understatement. My 4 Elements for Success are based on these principles that I learned and used to create my business. I wouldn’t be where I am today, sitting on my couch in a home that is perfect for me doing work that I love more than anything I’ve ever done, without the wisdom this woman shared with me and with the world.

 

When it’s time to change your story

A conversation with someone I’ve known for a long time reminded me of a challenge so many of us face.  We have a story we believe and continuously tell about ourselves, even if only in an internal dialogue. That story begins when we are born and what we are told, what we experience and what we want all comes together in a narrative we play subconsciously and often recite to others.

When I was a child, a woman who went to our church looked down at me one day and said, “Don’t worry sweetie, some day you’ll grow up to be a pretty girl.” Wow, right??! Basically, I heard, “You’re pretty ugly right now and hopefully you’ll grow up and be pretty.” What I internalized for YEARS was that I wasn’t pretty yet.

My friend relayed to me that her father said she wouldn’t ever amount to anything. She translated that to mean she would never be successful. It’s a limiting belief she lives with and probably thinks about often. When she searches her brain for memories, she finds experiences that reinforce her story that she will always be nothing much to talk about. Then she relays the story to me and probably to others.

A professor gave me a nugget of information once that changed my life. He said the thing is, our brain believes what we tell it to believe. If you tell yourself you are worthless, you’ll constantly feel worthless. If you keep repeating a successful story, you’ll begin to feel successful. Even if you had a bad experience in your life, you can stop feeding your brain with the same memory, dialogue or belief. You have the opportunity and all the skills you need to tell a new story.

So how do you tell a new and better story about yourself?  You have to create a new story or belief about yourself. And you have to tell it a lot – a lot more than the slightly or completely negative one you’ve told most of your life. It takes some effort. Think of it as a record album with grooves that the needle fits in to. Those grooves are deep. Your job is to change what plays in the grooves.

Seek out other stories about yourself that make that original story no longer true. Think of times you succeeded! Replay compliments you’ve received from others or times when clients or employees were extremely satisfied about something you’ve done.

To me, my friend is determined, a talented artist, compassionate, diligent and successful. She mentored me and helped me just because she is all of those things I described. She certainly didn’t have to put in the time with me. And she put in the time with about ten of us, creating a shared experience that I will never forget. I hope she can incorporate the parts of that experience into her own story. To me, she was everything I needed her to be at that time in my life.

One of my favorite gatherings with a group of friends happened one New Year’s Day several years ago. We were all thinking about the new year and decided we would go around the room and say one thing about each person that summed up how we felt about them. Meanwhile, a scribe wrote them all on a note pad and gave them to each person to keep. I carried mine in my wallet for years. Now I keep it on my desk and unfold it once in awhile.  It’s part of my new story. Some of the chapters of my story can still get pretty negative. It’s a constant and evolving process, especially when the examples I can point to so clearly reinforce those things I believe that just aren’t true. That little piece of paper helps a lot. So do all the people in my life who help to correct my story when I get it wrong.

Words for my new story

words for my new story

  • Mama – fixes anything
  • Strong – brings out the best in others
  • Integrity
  • My saving grace – my Queen
  • Intelligent – teacher
  • My heart
  • Profound

Wow, right?! That’s a story with a much happier ending.

Do you need help rewriting your new story? Ask for help – friends, mentors, family, colleagues, coaches and others are likely ready and willing to help you.

Journal it out – the old story and the new version. What words and phrases will you use to replace those that hurt you or changed your belief in yourself?

Start telling your new story.

 

“But her story isn’t finished, and for once she’s picked up a pen.”

Kelsey Sutton, Some Quiet Place

I’ll Keep On Making These New Mistakes

Last week, I was watching Dancing with the Stars and heard this great song called Try Everything from the movie, Zootopia. I immediately recognized it as one of those songs I needed to add to my Morning Inspiration Playlist. (Do you have one of those? I highly recommend it!)

A couple of days later, I played it for my granddaughter, Kandyce, and told her I thought we’d be able to go see the movie this weekend. (We did and it was fantastic! I highly recommend that too.) I got the chance to see the song paired with the movie and it inspired me even more! You can watch the video just below and get a small sampling of what I’m talking about.

Try Everything Official Video Shakira

Watching Judy Hopps articulate her dream as a young person and then set out to make it come true was very inspiring. But what resonated with me the most about the lyrics is these two lines: “I’ll keep on making these new mistakes. I’ll keep on making them every day.”

As we launch or grow a business or nonprofit, we absolutely don’t know everything.  It’s one of the reasons many people NEVER even begin. Fear of making mistakes and failing can be truly paralyzing. A lot of business owners find that they aren’t willing to try everything or ANYTHING because it may mean they fall. The more things you try, the greater the risk.

Notice the song doesn’t say you’ll make the same mistakes. It says you’ll keep on making new mistakes. If you’re not making new mistakes, you may not ever get to where you want to be. You’ll hear crickets all day long if you don’t try something. You have to keep putting yourself out there, every day, to see what works and what doesn’t.

Sure, you’ll have bad days. You’ll make choices that could have turned out differently and led you to a different place. You’ll feel like things aren’t moving fast enough and want to give up. But you’ll keep learning! You’ll do it differently tomorrow and the next day, until you see that it’s working just the way you want it to.  Just like Judy, you’ll climb and fall, climb and fall. You’ll figure out how to do it differently and you’ll stop falling.

And perspective is important too. Don’t make a lot of important decisions when you’re having a bad day. Give yourself some time. You aren’t looking at things from the mountain on those days I call “crumple and cry days.”  You’re looking up from the ground or inside of the valley.

Just turn on a little music, dance it off and start again. Watch an inspiring movie or video. Call a friend to talk you off the ledge.

Try Everything.

Kandyce tries rock climbing

 

Demons Bearing Gifts

In his book, Crisis Points: Working Through Personal Problems, author Julian Sleigh introduced me to the idea of demons who show up in our lives making us “shrink in fear and revulsion.” Yet they bear gifts hidden under their wings. “If we challenge them and make them yield up their gifts,” he says, “they will be satisfied and will fly away, leaving us to benefit from what they brought.”

If this is true, I met many demons last year and it took me awhile to make them show me the gifts. You may be wondering where I’ve been since last February. And, perhaps my biggest fear is that you are not. Maybe my posts and newsletters and calls were forgotten in the bustle of your own demons, triumphs and joys. And that’s as it should be, really. My demons belong to me – and yours to you. And for much of 2012, I couldn’t coach you or help you to share your fears because my own demons were circling like vultures, it seemed.

Last year began rather unexpectedly and dramatically for me and my family. My youngest daughter was hit by a young driver, resulting in a severe break at the ankle and the total loss of her car and her job. Months of surgeries and pain followed, and I worried about every aspect of her recovery. Simultaneously, another demon brought me the realization that my mother’s dementia and failing health would require an almost immediate move to assisted living. I worried that the house wouldn’t sell and that we wouldn’t be able to afford the right place. Later that summer, my oldest daughter broke her wrist – yet another surgery ensued! Federal funding cuts affected nonprofits that I serve daily. I slipped into a routine of reacting, fretting, doubting myself and fearing – oh the fearing!. By July, being on hyper alert to all of these issues began to take a toll on my physical and emotional health. It took me a few months, but by the end of the year, I came up and out of the darkness and demanded that all these demons yield their gifts to me. And there they were…

I was able to work when I could, as I could, without losing my income or the career that is so meaningful to me. My children recovered and found their own gifts in the pain and suffering. My mother adjusted to the move and I found that I enjoyed having her so close and can accept what her brain can offer at this stage of her life. I realized that if I ignore the emotional work that needs to be done and hope that it all goes away, it won’t. I read a lot of books and watched a lot of movies, but when they each ended, the problems were still there. If I try to continually live with reacting rather than responding, I eventually break down and need to nurture myself and heal. I’m not an adrenaline junkie anymore. Maybe it’s my age or maybe it’s just that I’m tired of it.

But when I do demand the gifts, I am surprised by joy and I see grace. I see those friends who loved me through the times I retreated to my room, forgetting to call or send a birthday card. I am loved by those family members who believe that what I could do in those moments was enough. My colleagues, clients, and teammates acknowledge my journey and wait for me to come back to myself. I forgive myself for not ‘achieving my goals’ or ‘committing to success.’ I just let it all go and reach for what is beautiful and comforting.

So this year, so far, the demons have been mostly at bay. For now. I am back to myself and back to work that I love in a way that pleases and delights me. I remember why I love coaching so much and have reconnected with old clients and welcomed new ones. There are still issues – some loom large on the horizon. But there is more good in my life than I can number.

This year will be filled with peace. How do I know? Because even when the demons swoop in, I know that they are carrying something that I desperately need. And only I have the ability to ask them to surrender it.

Surrender. Sounds like a beautiful state of being, doesn’t it?

My wish for you in 2012

This is one of my favorite times of the year.  A chance for me to purge the old and welcome new possibilities exists in this somewhat magical gap between one calendar year and the next.  We incorporate many rituals in my household, including those that are familiar like eating black-eyed peas and not putting up new calendars until after midnight. We also cleanse old energy from our home by lighting a smudge stick of sage and cedar and passing it through each room of the house. We put dimes under our threshold for prosperity and we open the windows in the East just before midnight to allow fresh, creative air to pass through our home, ensuring a successful and adventurous year. If our pantry is full at midnight, we believe we won’t hunger in the near year so grocery shopping is essential if our stores are low.

As 2011 comes to a close and 2012 begins, millions of us will take at least a few moments at some point or another to reflect on our accomplishments, our challenges and our hopes for the year ahead. Resolutions and intentions abound in the minds of those who strive to change old habits or create new ones. Fears about whether those resolutions will stick surface in our thoughts as we silently wonder if this will be the year we achieve our ideal weight or pay off debt. Self deprecating thoughts sneak in unbidden, yet familiar. Whether this review is something you enjoy or dread depends largely on the process and your state of mind going into the review.

This year, I used a process created by Rosetta Thurman, the Happy Black Woman. Her Review/Preview questions were similar to the ones I usually use and allowed me to feel complete about letting go of the old and embracing the new.  I value her work and hope you’ll take a look at her blog here.

I’m not a huge fan of resolutions. I do think an intentional practice of considering what’s working and what isn’t is important. Change isn’t always easy to maintain so don’t be hard on yourself.

I do know one thing for sure – if you do what you’ve been doing, you’ll get the same results. If you’re really happy where you are, you’ll be all set and probably don’t have need for a long list of resolutions.  If you want something better in your life, change something – even something small. Often, the mere fact that you take one baby step causes a momentum that will surprise you.

In my opinion, another really important piece about this process is the ability to see that there is possibility. I’d like to share a quote that closes one of my favorite novels – Outlander by Diana Gabaldon. The characters have both been on an incredible adventure that altered the course of their lives significantly. They overcame huge obstacles and found that they were completely in love and felt incredible hope for their future together. The author closes the book with this one very simple and yet powerful thought expressed by the narrator of their story.

“And the world was all around us, new with possibility.”

May the possibilities of 2012 be more than you could ever have imagined for yourself.