Tag Archives: sadness

On Being Sensitive

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There are days that I wake up with a burst of energy and excitement to begin the day. Some days start with deep breaths and a quiet resolve and curiosity to begin the morning routine that will lead to a busy day. Other mornings are underwhelming – I don’t feel anything except the need to wake up and step out of bed.

But some days begin a bit differently. I wake feeling very sensitive to the condition of my mind, body and spirit. I feel like I am slogging through mud to get out of that bed, and when I do, I hear the familiar internal refrain, “I don’t feel good!” that I have carried with me since childhood. (Yes, I’m aware that it should be I don’t feel well, but it’s always been repeated in the way I heard my mother say it.) I check in to see if there is some physical manifestation of this statement.

I quickly turn on the coffee, hoping that the caffeine will kick in quickly. I begin journaling and realize I am a bit unenthusiastic, or maybe even on the verge of tears about something. Sometimes I know what that something is and sometimes I don’t. It sort of settles into my chest and heart like a dense fog.

I look to see how many client appointments I have scheduled and wonder if I am able to coach them effectively. Should I cancel? Am I going to cry all day? Or just feel melancholy?

When I was a child, I had no idea what was happening to me and why I would cry at the drop of a hat one day and leap into the sunshine the next. I worried that it was a mental illness, since we had a family history of same. Sometimes I blamed myself for not doing  God knows what to be a “normal human being.”

I now know that I am a “normal human being,” whatever that really means.  And some days, I am just highly sensitive.

I’m not sure I would go so far as to say that I am an HSP (Highly Sensitive Person – there’s a test here if you decide you want to take it), though I’m not saying I don’t believe that this is a thing. I’m just not crazy about embracing labels that might limit my beliefs about myself. But I will say that there are some days when sensitivity seems to take a seat in the front row right alongside of me. It lingers and gently forces unexpected and expected tears and generally takes a bit of time to work its way back out.

Are there triggers? Probably. Today it may be the sentencing in the Nassar case that brings up so many memories of victims I’ve worked with who looked just like Jade, Ariana, Rachel and the others. My clients felt the same sadness and anger and overwhelm those girls are feeling now. And yes, it probably brings up my own memories of sexual assault and healing, of the desire for justice and the inability to find the strength to call for it.

But sometimes there aren’t triggers. It’s just my way of being for a time. Sensitivity is part of my nature. And I’ve learned that if I embrace it, I can become a better coach, friend, mentor, parent and partner. If I bury it, resentment and anger and grief can overwhelm me and I’m paralyzed by what is now something much bigger than it needed to be.

What do I do when I’m being sensitive?

1) I name it and claim it.

2) I create some space for myself to lean into it and let the voices and feelings tell me what I need to hear today.  I give myself permission to be sensitive. What is the purpose sensitivity brings today? Sometimes it’s the same lesson and I just need a reminder or to see a new layer.  And sometimes, it’s something alltogether new.

3) Sometimes yoga helps. I can claim it and sit into it during poses like Goddess pose or Child’s post. Or I can sit in the sunlight. Or whatever I feel led to do.

 

 

 

4) I accept that it takes as long as it takes. I don’t worry about it changing me or limiting me. It’s not wrong and there’s aren’t any rules. (Unless it manifests into something that changes my quality of life for too long. Then I ask for help.)

5) I affirm and embrace the best part of myself that is aware of who I really am – my authentic core being – and feel grateful that I can open up a container – an hour, a day, a week – to do what I can for myself because there’s no use being anything else. It takes too much work to stuff things down or make them go away when they are absolutely a part of who we are.

For today, for however long, I will accept being sensitive. I can coach my clients and answer emails. I can make chili for a cookoff tonight and join my team in helping to serve the community in this event. I can breathe a lot and engage in acts of self care and self love. I can write this out, which may in turn help someone else who is struggling to give voice to how they are not “feeling good.”

Being sensitive is one of the best qualities I can carry each and every day. If I can allow sensitivity to be what it is inside of me, I can use it to be the best me I can be.

A Crumple and Cry Day

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Did you ever have one of those days that began with something going wrong? Let’s say it was a BIG bad thing.  Or maybe a medium bad thing and then maybe then something else happened and another thing happened and the next thing you know, you’re crying and you can’t seem to find the motivation to do anything?

Been there. Plenty of times.

I used to think it was my adult duty to pick myself up, dust myself off and start all over again. That’s what I was told. Some days.

But I also was told that crying happens. It sometimes happens when you least expect it and for no apparent reason. Nothing has to go wrong to make you feel like crying. Bad days happen. Negativity takes control. Crying ensues. And often, once it starts, it feels like it won’t stop any time soon.

And crying is cathartic. It can be necessary.

Instead of trying to bury the emotions under a pile of things to do or people to see, I decided years ago that I just needed to surrender, on those days, and have what I call a Crumple and Cry Day. It allows me to grieve over all the injustices that have piled up against me, or those I love and care about, big or small. I just need to surrender to what I cannot control.

No, I don’t cry all day. At least not constantly. I may cry for a bit, stop, cry again, get quiet, cry on the yoga mat, watch tv, cry…etc. I find though that they key to a successful Crumple and Cry Day is just to clear my calendar and settle in for the day and let it unfold as it is meant to do. (Yes, sick days are allowed. If you’re heartsick, take a sick day.

Sinking my feet in the sand, listening to the waves crash on the beach, mimics my internal swell of tears while bringing me to a place of peace.

I don’t have to stay at home and cry. In fact, I often don a pair of sunglasses and cry as I walk the beach, or sit on the front porch. Don’t try to push it down any more, just let it all bubble up and see what you learn from it. You may be surprised at how many little things you’ve been holding on to. Or it may just be one BIG thing. And if that BIG thing comes up on more than one Crumple and Cry Day, it’s a signal that your work isn’t finished.

Crumple and Cry Day doesn’t have to be a whole day. It’s just as long or short as you need it to be.

What happens at the end of a Crumple and Cry Day? I’m tired. I have no more tears left for the time being. And I have generally opened up a space for me to take the next step. Having released all the built up sadness or anger, I can stand in a moment where that container is empty and I am ready to fill up another container with something good. Something possible. Something fresh and new.

If you’re in an overall healthy state of mental wellbeing, crying is a very cleansing, healing and refreshing experience. You might want to keep a notebook nearby as you move out of the sadness and into the peace and calm that follows. It really is almost like decluttering your physical spaces – once you surrender the stuff you’ve been holding on to, you open your heart and mind to what you need in that moment. So listen and be ready to write it down so you won’t forget.

I know some people worry that if they surrender and start to cry, they will never stop. And if you have more Crumple and Cry Days than days filled with possibility, I’m going to suggest you reach out to someone for help. See if that container needs to be washed by something more therapeutic than you can offer yourself.

Let me know what you think. And if you have a way of cleansing and releasing your stuff, tell us about it in the comments.

 

 

She Who Hesitates Is Found

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This year, I have set off with an intention to simplify my life. It was my clear desire at the start of 2011 to let go of those things that were draining my energy and making me feel cranky, guilty, inadequate or used. I leaped into a critical examination of all the things I was involved with or attached to and considered what I could let go of without too much trauma or sadness for all involved.

This process hasn’t been quick or easy, but it has created an unexpected discovery. As I let go of things and examine what isn’t really serving me wholly and completely, I find that others around me are doing the same.  The biggest lesson for me in these months of purging is that the very nature of my change creates an awareness of the changes others are making as well. Some of my friends and colleagues have let go of their stuff just as carefully and deliberately as I have let go of mine! It hasn’t always made me happy – in some cases it has made me downright angry.  But if I feel the need to simplify, I have to respect the same course of action in those I care about as well.

As a coach, I often work with clients on personal foundation issues. There are always clients who come to me seeking more work /life balance, time or energy to complete their tasks. The age old question, “How will I get all of this done?” comes up time and time again in the lives of those I work with. My own daughter, who just graduated from college with her Bachelor’s degree, has used the word “overwhelmed” more than once a week for the past semester.

So how does one go about simplifying a full and over committed life? It requires a quizzical mind and a willingness to put up with the consequences. I started by making a full inquiry and inventory of the groups, events, and efforts I spent even a little time engaged in. Then I listed them out based on whether they were perpetual or had an end date. I grouped them by Large, Average or Small in terms of the time commitment required and then gave them a “Shackles On or Shackles Off” grade. Did I feel happy when spending time and energy on this? Could I hang in there and live with it until completion? Or did I need to regroup, delegate or let go completely? I spent quiet moments considering how my breathing and posture changed when I considered a life with or without these considerations. If I burst into tears thinking about a commitment, I took that as a mandate to go deep within and let go of some aspect or the entirety of my involvement.

When I started looking at what I could let go of and get the most benefit, I was terrified about how the other people involved would feel. I understood they might be angry and resentful. I felt guilty about originally committing to something I couldn’t fulfill. But my perspective was different than theirs. I saw that staying with the project or practice would actually hurt the end result rather than make things better. If my involvement wasn’t complete and I wasn’t all in, the best solution was to stop, release, or even find some way for me or someone like me to step up and do a better job.  I had to think of my self, heal my self and intend to care more fully for my self in the future.

So what lesson did I learn from my inner sage woman? She who hesitates is found. My version of this proverb has a completely different meaning doesn’t it? I now know I cannot say yes without thinking of the larger, broader ramifications of my decision to participate or engage in something that may not fit into my life or bring me joy! Jen Louden’s tweet earlier today sums up what I’ve been feeling too – she tweets, “I am finally ready to stop doing anything that drains my energy and makes me resentful.” Isn’t that a wonderful statement for all of us to embrace?

What does an energy draining or shackles on item look like and feel like for you? Does your breath quicken? Do you feel sad, resentful, guilty, inadequate or scared? Do you want to keep feeling this way? Are you ready to release and breathe deeply again?

One of my friends recently let go of something she had been involved in for a very long time. Some of her sojourners, including myself, had strong, negative reactions to her departure. She told me she didn’t want people to be angry with her for leaving. My sage woman took over and said, “You can’t control how other people feel – you can only do what you want to do and live with what comes out of the leaving.”

But hopefully what she found, and what I have found too, is an inner peace that comes from knowing when to let go. And now I know to hesitate and consult my inner sage before walking blindly and losing myself in an overcommitted life that tips my balance. I make no apologies for not scrawling my name on the sign-up sheet, for only blogging on the occasional Tuesday, or for saying no to a request for something I can’t deliver. The result is that I get to send out more handwritten notes, create more poetry and bake for pleasure. The journey continues but the peace I’ve found so far is invaluable.