Summer of Self Care – Day 6

Dance Break

Day 6 of our Sumer of Self Care involves doing a little dancing. Are you game?

Have you ever watched someone dance for fun, even if just for a few seconds, and laughed out loud? In any given day, at least one video of someone dancing pops across my social media feed and it usually makes me smile.

But what makes me smile even more is when I take a few moments to dance in my kitchen or my office. It’s a great way of taking a break and I can’t help but smile while I am doing it! One of the best ways to spend my time is dancing with my granddaughter. Her enthusiasm for dance is contagious and I can’t help but smile when I try my hip-hop moves!

So, today’s prompt is take a dance break. Use your hip-hop moves! Or a little contemporary jazz. Or create your own unique style. Find a song you love to dance to.  Or if you’re clueless, Spotify has a playlist called “Songs to Dance To When You’re Home Alone.” There are 81 songs on this playlist!!

You could dance once a day for 81 days and never repeat a song!

In case you were wondering, my quick, tried and true go to song in a pinch is Happy by Pharrell Williams. It’s on my iPhone, iPad and in iTunes. So I can access it any moment when I need to dance it out.

So, go do a little Happy Dance! Or maybe 2 or 3 or 81!

My granddaughter Kandyce doing her dab.

Summer of Self Care – Day 5

Your Absolute YES! List 

Just Say Yes

 

Now that we have taken a few moments to look at how and when to say no, today we will look at what makes you say, “HECK YES!!!”  Because taking a look at your Absolute Yes List helps you remember what to say no to.

An Absolute Yes List is a list of those things that you know you will always say yes to. They may be things that are aligned with your values, work process, health care plan or your commitment to family.

 

For example, your Absolute Yes List might include:

 

  • I always take time for a lunch break to breathe and slow down.
  • We leave our phones at the door when we come together for dinner as a couple/family.
  • I work reasonable hours. On most days, I will arrive at _____ and leave by _____.
  • When entering my busy season at work, I will make time to walk for at least 15 minutes each day.
  • I will take at least one week of vacation time per year.
  • I have an open door policy.
  • I have an open door policy between the hours of ______.

You get the idea, right? What are those things that you will rarely compromise on?
And what are those opportunities that really light you up? How do you feel when you know you have been gifted with something you want to say an Absolute yes to?

When you take time to think of those things that make you want to say yes every time, and those things in your past that you have said yes to with absolutely no regret, you will be able to create a list of Absolute Yeses.

If you’re a Caregiver, there are things you can’t compromise on. If someone calls and says your parent, spouse, sister, etc. is in need of something immediately, you say Yes. And you go. Do. Handle.

But this also means you have to make room in your life for those Absolute Yeses so that you don’t feel so pulled and chaotic that those yeses make your whole day go off kilter.

Today, start what you think is your Absolute Yes List. It doesn’t have to be carved in stone and it certainly may change, especially if you are a Caregiver.

Think of what lights you up – what brings you the most joy or satisfaction? Is it time with a friend? Travel? A hobby? A collaboration?

What makes you want to say,

HECK YES!!!

(I recently purchased a T-shirt designed by Amy Tangerine. I love all of her stuff and she  collaborated on this project with My Cents of Style. I love this t-shirt because when I wear it, it makes me feel open to those things I want to say YES to. The other day, I was wearing it for the work day and later found myself with a few minutes to visit my granddaughters. My 10-year old granddaughter, Kandyce, said, “Grandmama, why does your t-shirt say, “Heck Yes?” I told her that it reminds me to consider those things that excite me the most and say yes to them – like a short visit to see her on a Friday afternoon. If you want a Heck Yes t-shirt, you can find it here!)

Summer of Self Care – Day 4

The Freedom To Say No.

Today is July 4th or Independence Day in the US. We celebrate the decision as a nation to declare our independence in the most important document in our history.

We looked at tolerations in the more physical realm yesterday – fixing those cracks in the windshield or catching up with a friend.

What would it take to declare our own sovereignty? Our ability to choose only those things that are absolutely necessary for us to be the most happy and successful?

How do you feel about those commitments you’ve made to others that you know you can’t easily fulfill?  Those things that you’ve committed to that are now draining you every time you think about showing up or doing whatever it is you said you would do? These are tolerations too.

When we say yes more often than we mean to, out of a sense of obligation or feeling coerced, we find ourselves doing things that carry resentment or even downright anger. And the anger isn’t usually directed solely at the person we said yes to. More often than not, our anger is felt internally – directed straight to our own heart – because we failed to say no. And that takes a toll on our ability to love ourselves and to express self care.

“Why did I commit to this? Why can’t I say NO!? Why do I let (him/her) make me feel this way?”

Have you said this?

No is a complete sentence. A complete paragraph. But there is an art to saying no and it’s one that must be practiced frequently in order to execute it in a way that works best.

One of the most important self-care techniques is learning to say no. Not too long ago, I found a video that really developed the art of saying No for me. This concept of the Positive No works in personal day-to day and professional circumstances. The Positive No starts with a review of all the good things about the opportunity or request. And then those good things are measured against what else is really wonderful and currently most important and a decision is made.  This works well for me because, honestly, I have discovered that most often, when I must say no it’s because I have so many other truly wonderful things I need to say yes to! (More on that tomorrow.)

Sound confusing? Here’s a video explaining how to use a Positive No to create better work life balance or to change your commitment.

The Power of a Positive No

And sometimes we have to say no to ourselves. For me, when faced with figuring out how much I can do in a day, I often overestimate. I think I am Wonder Woman! So when I am looking at scheduling things, I have to be more realistic.

When I am looking at scheduling clients plus writing plus a speaking engagement plus….I take a look at all the wonderful things that are contained within that list. I think about the great opportunities that are in front of me. And BECAUSE these things are all so great, I am going to choose to do these things today and not those. And I think about when I might have a better amount of time to get this or that thing done.

Most people tell me they don’t have time or room for self care in their lives because they are too busy. So today, take a look at the Positive No and see if it helps you learn to say no more easily, to yourself and to others.  After all, what we want is to create some space for self care beyond this 30 days.

Blank space is allowed and encouraged. It’s called Self-Care. 

What would have to change for you in order to easily say no?

So today, take a few moments to think about what you have committed to and whether you have the capacity to continue this commitment. Who or what do you wish you had said or could say no to? Can you use the Positive No to eliminate this toleration and find more time for self- care or for things that make you feel more in line with your time and priorities?

Can you jot down a few words about how you will approach a situation with a Positive No?

How can you remind yourself to pause, take a breath and create some time to carefully consider decisions without automatically saying, “yes!”?

PS – there’s a theory about the difference between men and women. It goes like this: If a woman makes a to-do list, she will write those to-dos on the entire span of the paper until she’s filled up the space. She’ll keep searching for things to do in order to have a complete document. Sometimes, she will even write down those few things she has already done so that she feels more accomplished. As though what she’s writing isn’t already enough. And, if someone calls while she’s making the to-do list and says, “Can you bake cookies for the class tomorrow?” Or, “Can you drive the kids to camp for me in the morning?” her immediate reaction might be , “yes!” She may say, “I’ve got room on my to-do list to squeeze that in.”

Men, on the other hand, just write down the one or three most important to-dos and leave the rest of the space blank. They may look at the top three things they should get done in one day. Just three.

Never fear – tomorrow, we’ll work on what to say YES!!! to.

Summer of Self Care – Day 3

The more you love yourself, the more energy you create. And the more energy you create, the less you tolerate!

Tolerations

One of the first lessons I learned when I began my coach training program was about tolerations – how we carry around this list of things that we need to attend to. And maybe we see evidence of these tolerations when we walk past, for instance, a wall that needs repainting, drive with a crack in our car windshield or receive a card from a friend or relative we haven’t seen or talked to in a while.

These tolerations subconsciously and consciously drain our energy, make us feel tense and sometimes even engage us in a conversation of self-blame and frustration. “Why can’t I just take the time to paint that floor?” Or “I will get to that soon or I will scream!!!” They block us from feeling good about what we have or bringing in new opportunities. If we have too much physical and mental clutter, we don’t have room to love ourselves and love the space we are in.

Don’t scream. But for today, start a list of tolerations. The first time I did this, there were over 100. I feel no shame in that. And I started busting them, one by one. And I learned not only to love the space I was in more, I felt better about myself and my ability to handle things. Removing tolerations increased my self-care, which also increased my self-love.

Now when the time comes, you can bust them in a few ways.

You can do it and cross it off (or schedule it in a way that commits you to a time frame).

You can pay someone else to do it

You can say, “I’m never going to do this” and give it away, throw it away, or begin accept it for what it is. Try to stop letting it bother you in whatever way you can make that happen.

Again, today, the goal is just to start a list. And if you’re feeling Feisty, you can bust a toleration and cross it off your list today. But don’t overwhelm yourself. And as you’re making the list, don’t freak out. Breathe and say – “Everything happens in the right time and for the right reason.”

Once they start coming off your list and they go away from your mind and sight, you’ll see your energy returning.

Now I am off to make my appointments with my Ophthalmologist and my Dentist.

 

(Need extra help? Find an accountability buddy who will hold you accountable to the time frame. Or if there’s more to this, ask me for a free exploratory coaching session and we will uncover what’s getting in the way.)

Summer of Self Care Day 2

The Weight of the World:

Remember hearing the expression “carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders?

This idiom comes from Greek Mythology when Zeus got angry at the Olympians and picked Atlas to punish.

Zeus condemned Atlas to hold the heavens on his back. The purpose was to separate Earth and Heaven, which would prevent the two from mixing so much. But sometimes here on Earth, we mere mortals don’t strike a balance between work and home or kids and quiet time, right? That’s why we’re here today – to take a few minutes to let go of the weight of the world.

Sometimes we feel the heaviness of things that are happening around us. Or carrying tension in our neck and shoulders. We work at a desk and when things get hectic, we tense up without even realizing.

Tomorrow, we’re going to look at getting rid of some of those things that are weighing us down.

But for today, just now in this moment, what you can do is stretch your shoulders and move your neck. And you can do this every day or several times a day – whenever you feel yourself tense up.

Here’s a video from SarahBethYoga to get you started.

Summer of Self Care Day One

I’ve said before that Julia Cameron’s Morning Pages (one of her tools from The Artist’s Way) have been so beneficial to me. The other day, while journaling, the idea of creating  a Summer of Self Care came to me out of the blue and I mentioned it on Facebook to see if it was something that resonates with my followers. Apparently, it does. So here we are! Day 1 of the Summer of Self Care! (Use #summerofselfcare2017 in sharing posts on social media, if you would please!)

I thought we’d start with defining self care and grounding this 30 days in something that is meaningful.

Self care is any act you incorporate in your moment or day or month or life that brings you joy, peace, well-being, healthy boundaries, a healthy body, a healthy sense of being – it’s anything you do for yourself, not for others or to make yourself better for someone else.

Acts of self care don’t have to be huge, but they can be life changing. For example, you may set a boundary with someone that creates a huge sense of peace in your life. You may read a book that changes your perspective on something. Or you may start a morning routine that makes you feel much more at peace with your day.

Whatever you choose to do, you don’t have to spend tons of time on self care, though you can do so if you’d like. Self care doesn’t have to be expensive, though I’m not judging if you decide to purchase a cruise because it falls under the “brings you joy” category. And self care doesn’t mean you’re being selfish or not caring for or about others. In fact, caregivers need an EXTRA measure of self care every single day.

When I hired my very first coach, I learned the value of self care very quickly. What it does for me is that it keeps me grounded in all aspects of my self – mind, body and spirit. And when I am grounded, I respond, rather than react. Self care practices keep me operating from a place of fullness rather than scarcity. When I feel cranky, angry, anxious, fearful or stressed to the max, I know it’s time to add some self care back into my daily routine.

So for your first prompt in the Summer of Self Care…..(drum roll…….here we go……)

Take out a piece of paper and a pen (or you might want to find a journal since you may be writing a lot this month).

Write down why you think you need to increase your daily self care habit.

Why do you think self care is important to you right now?

How do you hope to feel at the end of this month?

What do you want that you don’t have now?

And really take a moment to commit to this month of self care. Write down affirmations like, “I promise to take care of myself in some small way, every day, for AT LEAST the next 30 days.” “I am ALL IN for myself this month.” Whatever you need to say. If it’s a little prayer, write that down. If it’s a quote, write that down too. Whatever comes to your mind, journal it out.

Now breathe in. Breathe out. And acknowledge that you have just taken the first step in the care of the most important person you could take care of – YOU!!!

Because…

 

Today, you are you.

Self Care and Showers

I had a conversation with someone the other day about self care and it went something like this:

“Self care for me sometimes just means I get to take a shower. Or I show up only 20 minutes late to something instead of 45.”

I get it. People sometimes think I don’t get it because I frequently talk about my daily journaling ritual or morning yoga practice. While I do journal every day with very few exceptions, (more about that in tbis post) I don’t always get on the mat in the mornings. In fact, many mornings go by without any type of practice at all. And yes, there are days when taking a shower seems like a luxury given what I have going on. Or I fall onto the couch at 8pm, realizing I put off filling out a questionnaire before an early morning doctor’s appointment the following day. These days feel chaotic. Or I beat myself up for procrastinating. I can REALLY beat myself up for procrastinating. I sense that I am ashamed of my inability to get things done in a timely or chaos free manner.

I recommend that clients set aside an appointment time for self care just like the would for any other meeting. And honor it just like it was an appointment with a client, boss or colleague. But realistically, I know that’s not always possible. Especially during really busy seasons like the one we have just entered.

Self care isn’t always fresh flowers, massages, binge-watching Netflix time or a weekend getaway.

Self care isn’t always perfect. It is always whatever you need in the moment to get by, to prevent something or to listen to your body when it’s crying out to eat, drink a cup of hot tea or even just hydrate with plain water.

Self care can be just listening to a playlist while you work or drive to that appointment you’re running late for so your mood is lifted.

Self care can be prioritizing your list and taking things off of that list that just aren’t going to happen. And forgiving yourself immediately because it’s just going to have to be that way right now.

Self care is sometimes just the simple act of saying to your overwhelmed self, “I’m sorry it’s so chaotic right now. I promise as soon as I can breathe, I will go for a walk or take in a movie.” And then honor that promise.

Self care can be just taking 45 minutes to get your flu shot because if you don’t, you may get the flu and then have even LESS time on that to-do list as you recover. (And not freaking out if you thought it would only take 10. )

Self care just looks like taking a few breaths. Maybe setting a reminder to take a few breaths three times a day.

Or standing in the rain or raising your face to the sun – for just 5 minutes.

Don’t beat yourself up over what self care looks like. Just make it look like whatever you can manage today.  Even if that’s just taking a shower.

Beauty comes from standing in the rain.

 

 

I Do It Because I Like This Kind Of Life

About 10 years ago, I read Julia Cameron’s seminal work called The Artist’s Way. The introduction began with her assignment to do something called Morning Pages, where you hand write three pages each morning. I did it for the six weeks of the program and beyond. In fact, since that time, there have been maybe less than 10 days that I haven’t gotten up to do morning pages.

Morning pages are definitely a habit for me now. But they take a good bit of effort, when I really think about it. I have to get up early sometimes to catch a flight or to drive to a client appointment. On vacation, I may want to get up early and have breakfast in whatever city we find ourselves visiting. But for some reason, morning pages are the way I operate now and they can’t be skipped. So I adjust my waking time to make sure that it happens – three pages, with my coffee, in the same seat every day.

After all this time, morning pages help me wake up properly. They are a definite part of my self care routine. And one of my ten daily habits that I don’t often break. Why? Because I can’t. I just know that I can’t. It’s become so ingrained in my daily routine that I can’t let it go.

What parts of your daily routine are so ingrained that you can’t skip them? For some people I know, it’s a morning walk, a devotional or motivational reading. Maybe it’s quiet time catching up with your spouse, partner or child. Maybe sitting on your porch watching the sunset or the moon rise.

Or maybe you don’t have a habit like this but are already thinking about what that might look like. It doesn’t have to take a lot of time – it can be very quick but it could be very meaningful.

I served in leadership and mentoring role once with a man who was a nonprofit executive. He spent 20 minutes every day without fail reading something that helped him to do his work more effectively or efficiently. I realized recently  that my clients who are feeling the most successful are those who can point to daily habits that help them start the day off in a ritualistic and satisfying way.

I saw this quote recently and realized it really describes how I feel about my morning routine. Warren Buffet said,

“I insist on a lot of time being spent, almost every day, to just sit and think. That is very uncommon in American business. I read and think. So I do more reading and thinking, and make less impulse decisions than most people in business. I do it because I like this kind of life.”

I guess that’s really why I continue to spend time on my morning pages.

I do it because I like this kind of life. 

My current journal

I’m Glad I Keep Remembering This

 

Created by Leigh Stanley for DEMDACO, a Curly Girl Design

I bought this lovely little thing from a local shop a long time ago. It’s been hanging on one of my cabinet doors for awhile. I see it every single day. But, I don’t read it every single day.

Today, I turned my head and really took notice of this lovely little reminder. And lately, I have been thinking about this a lot – this sense of doing something that matters to me. That helps me create a wonderful life.

Last week, I was talking to a colleague about how being an entrepreneur has challenges that those who are in a 9-5 position working for someone else don’t always think about. Like if a client is really slow to pay, you have to take out of savings to pay the mortgage until that check finally arrives. You have to work nights or weekends to get things done or because that’s what works best for your client. You’re always looking ahead, adding services or getting excited and ready for a little more networking time. It’s all on you – you don’t answer to anyone but yourself. You decide when – IF – you take time off. And while that sounds divine to some, it can get old some days.

This week, I was at a hospital for several hours and found myself watching nurses, doctors and admin staff while I was going from place to place.  They all had a specific purpose and their days are pretty routine, I’m sure.  “In the mornings, we _______.” “I have to make sure I _____.” “Only two more days till the weekend!” I found myself seduced by their job predictability.  Eight hour days, holidays and personal leave time, this is how we do this, this is how we do that.

But do they really love entering data into computers, walking patients from the clinic the pharmacy, or pushing carts into elevators to deliver something to another department? Are they fulfilled? Do they think their job is wonderful? I don’t know.

Just as I was having these thoughts, I found myself at the pharmacy and saw a woman I worked with a long time ago. We counted money all day in a cage. I was in college, just looking for some extra money and she was in transition from closing her own restaurant to finding steady employment with benefits for her sick husband. Weirdly, I am now the entrepreneur and she’s delivering medications to sick people. Routine. Predictable. Steady.

What I do know is that when I have these thoughts, I am only temporarily seduced. Yes, it might be easier some days to sell books at a bookstore or to take car tag payments at the tax collector’s office. Routine. Predictable. Steady. Maybe even easy! Or it appears to be any way. But would it be meaningful? Or would it feel to me like nothing at all? I remember that feeling well. The feeling that I couldn’t do something new or exciting. The feeling I wasn’t being creative. The feeling I wasn’t doing work that I really loved.

A lot of people find a great deal of joy and excitement in their work, no matter how routine and predictable it might be. Or maybe they just don’t want to take that leap and be on their own. And there are days I think the leap to being in full-time business for myself is wild and crazy and hard and I want to give up. But I don’t.  Because I LOVE to coach people. I LOVE to write. I LOVE engaging people in training sessions. I LOVE working at home with my furry team. I LOVE to create and find resources for clients.

I don’t have a feeling of dread on Sunday nights as I think ahead about going to work on Monday morning. I don’t have to wake up at the crack of dawn to get ready and begin the commute.

I keep moving forward, one client at a time. Yes, it’s slower than I’d like. Yes, I’m ready for more clients – absolutely ready!

My heart and my hands and my mind share an occupation. I am a coach. I am a writer. I engage people in the discovery of ways to do work that they too can love. My goal really is to help their hearts, their hands and their minds find an occupation that creates a rich and wonderful life. I help them discover and give them permission to do work that brings them the greatest satisfaction. Whether that work is routine and predictable or wild and crazy with no limits.

I’m glad I keep remembering this.

A Crumple and Cry Day

Did you ever have one of those days that began with something going wrong? Let’s say it was a BIG bad thing.  Or maybe a medium bad thing and then maybe then something else happened and another thing happened and the next thing you know, you’re crying and you can’t seem to find the motivation to do anything?

Been there. Plenty of times.

I used to think it was my adult duty to pick myself up, dust myself off and start all over again. That’s what I was told. Some days.

But I also was told that crying happens. It sometimes happens when you least expect it and for no apparent reason. Nothing has to go wrong to make you feel like crying. Bad days happen. Negativity takes control. Crying ensues. And often, once it starts, it feels like it won’t stop any time soon.

And crying is cathartic. It can be necessary.

Instead of trying to bury the emotions under a pile of things to do or people to see, I decided years ago that I just needed to surrender, on those days, and have what I call a Crumple and Cry Day. It allows me to grieve over all the injustices that have piled up against me, or those I love and care about, big or small. I just need to surrender to what I cannot control.

No, I don’t cry all day. At least not constantly. I may cry for a bit, stop, cry again, get quiet, cry on the yoga mat, watch tv, cry…etc. I find though that they key to a successful Crumple and Cry Day is just to clear my calendar and settle in for the day and let it unfold as it is meant to do. (Yes, sick days are allowed. If you’re heartsick, take a sick day.

Sinking my feet in the sand, listening to the waves crash on the beach, mimics my internal swell of tears while bringing me to a place of peace.

I don’t have to stay at home and cry. In fact, I often don a pair of sunglasses and cry as I walk the beach, or sit on the front porch. Don’t try to push it down any more, just let it all bubble up and see what you learn from it. You may be surprised at how many little things you’ve been holding on to. Or it may just be one BIG thing. And if that BIG thing comes up on more than one Crumple and Cry Day, it’s a signal that your work isn’t finished.

Crumple and Cry Day doesn’t have to be a whole day. It’s just as long or short as you need it to be.

What happens at the end of a Crumple and Cry Day? I’m tired. I have no more tears left for the time being. And I have generally opened up a space for me to take the next step. Having released all the built up sadness or anger, I can stand in a moment where that container is empty and I am ready to fill up another container with something good. Something possible. Something fresh and new.

If you’re in an overall healthy state of mental wellbeing, crying is a very cleansing, healing and refreshing experience. You might want to keep a notebook nearby as you move out of the sadness and into the peace and calm that follows. It really is almost like decluttering your physical spaces – once you surrender the stuff you’ve been holding on to, you open your heart and mind to what you need in that moment. So listen and be ready to write it down so you won’t forget.

I know some people worry that if they surrender and start to cry, they will never stop. And if you have more Crumple and Cry Days than days filled with possibility, I’m going to suggest you reach out to someone for help. See if that container needs to be washed by something more therapeutic than you can offer yourself.

Let me know what you think. And if you have a way of cleansing and releasing your stuff, tell us about it in the comments.