When it’s time to change your story

A conversation with someone I’ve known for a long time reminded me of a challenge so many of us face.  We have a story we believe and continuously tell about ourselves, even if only in an internal dialogue. That story begins when we are born and what we are told, what we experience and what we want all comes together in a narrative we play subconsciously and often recite to others.

When I was a child, a woman who went to our church looked down at me one day and said, “Don’t worry sweetie, some day you’ll grow up to be a pretty girl.” Wow, right??! Basically, I heard, “You’re pretty ugly right now and hopefully you’ll grow up and be pretty.” What I internalized for YEARS was that I wasn’t pretty yet.

My friend relayed to me that her father said she wouldn’t ever amount to anything. She translated that to mean she would never be successful. It’s a limiting belief she lives with and probably thinks about often. When she searches her brain for memories, she finds experiences that reinforce her story that she will always be nothing much to talk about. Then she relays the story to me and probably to others.

A professor gave me a nugget of information once that changed my life. He said the thing is, our brain believes what we tell it to believe. If you tell yourself you are worthless, you’ll constantly feel worthless. If you keep repeating a successful story, you’ll begin to feel successful. Even if you had a bad experience in your life, you can stop feeding your brain with the same memory, dialogue or belief. You have the opportunity and all the skills you need to tell a new story.

So how do you tell a new and better story about yourself?  You have to create a new story or belief about yourself. And you have to tell it a lot – a lot more than the slightly or completely negative one you’ve told most of your life. It takes some effort. Think of it as a record album with grooves that the needle fits in to. Those grooves are deep. Your job is to change what plays in the grooves.

Seek out other stories about yourself that make that original story no longer true. Think of times you succeeded! Replay compliments you’ve received from others or times when clients or employees were extremely satisfied about something you’ve done.

To me, my friend is determined, a talented artist, compassionate, diligent and successful. She mentored me and helped me just because she is all of those things I described. She certainly didn’t have to put in the time with me. And she put in the time with about ten of us, creating a shared experience that I will never forget. I hope she can incorporate the parts of that experience into her own story. To me, she was everything I needed her to be at that time in my life.

One of my favorite gatherings with a group of friends happened one New Year’s Day several years ago. We were all thinking about the new year and decided we would go around the room and say one thing about each person that summed up how we felt about them. Meanwhile, a scribe wrote them all on a note pad and gave them to each person to keep. I carried mine in my wallet for years. Now I keep it on my desk and unfold it once in awhile.  It’s part of my new story. Some of the chapters of my story can still get pretty negative. It’s a constant and evolving process, especially when the examples I can point to so clearly reinforce those things I believe that just aren’t true. That little piece of paper helps a lot. So do all the people in my life who help to correct my story when I get it wrong.

Words for my new story

words for my new story

  • Mama – fixes anything
  • Strong – brings out the best in others
  • Integrity
  • My saving grace – my Queen
  • Intelligent – teacher
  • My heart
  • Profound

Wow, right?! That’s a story with a much happier ending.

Do you need help rewriting your new story? Ask for help – friends, mentors, family, colleagues, coaches and others are likely ready and willing to help you.

Journal it out – the old story and the new version. What words and phrases will you use to replace those that hurt you or changed your belief in yourself?

Start telling your new story.

 

“But her story isn’t finished, and for once she’s picked up a pen.”

Kelsey Sutton, Some Quiet Place

A Whole-Hearted Beginning

“There is a book inside of me.” You too?  I’ve known it since I was a child. In fact, the desire to write has been the only avocation that has been a constant in my life. This yearning to make a living as a writer is what I call my soul purpose. It is also a source of great frustration when I consider that unfinished book that still roams around the pathways of my brain, looking for an unlocked door that will lead to completion, or even a whole-hearted beginning.


What stops me? Any number of things. Time. Fear that I’m not good enough to write anything. Subject matter. Work. Children. Writer’s block. The heat of a Mississippi summer. You name it, I’ve probably tried to blame it.


I’m not even committed to fiction or nonfiction.  In fact, I think I have at least one of each floating around in there.  And as much as I love coaching, I know that I will always reserve some time to write something, even if it’s just a blog.


“Just a blog.” See how easily that rolled off the tongue?


This book is like an apparition that forms more fully at various times and then drifts away, hiding for awhile so that I settle comfortably again into my life of limiting literary beliefs.


The truth is we tell ourselves a lot of crazy things when it comes to creating art in any form. Creatives are often conflicted by limiting beliefs that may have originally been formed by a 2nd grade art teacher who told us we better not hope for a career as an artist. Or the college professor that ripped our Comp 1 paper to shreds, noting sarcastically in the margin, “I’m not sure you showed up today.”  Criticism is both the thing we crave and the thing we fear the most. It tears us up while validating our secret fears about ourselves.


Years ago, I was introduced to the book The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron. I began reading and instantly felt a connection to the author, her struggle and her technique to help artists – creatives – go deep on a spiritual journey and come out on the other side, shiny and new.  I did the exercises and felt small shifts begin. And I kept the practice of morning pages to this day. But, hurricanes and weddings and classes and work got in the way and I put the book and the rest of the exercises aside, hoping for a magical day when everything would come together and words would pour out of me onto approximately 250 pages or so.


It’s not going to happen unless I make it happen.  And I know I’m not alone.


So I created this group – a year long journey through The Artist’s Way with some really neat people that I don’t really know who have the same fears and hopes and dreams for themselves and for their work.  As a coach, I can facilitate the work, bring in resources, guide participants to go deep within and watch synergy happen as master minds come together. As a group, the participants can show up each month and enrich the learning for me and for each other, bringing their best to the call and finding soul sisters and brothers that will celebrate successes with them forever.  


You don’t have to have a book inside of you to bring the element of creativity into your life. You don’t even have to have a desire to be anything. All that’s required is a curiosity about the work you want to do and a willingness to step out onto the path.  I’ll hold your hand if you’d like.