Summer of Self Care – Day 14

Self-care and Online Connections 

These days, there are a lot of troubling things happening all over the world. It used to be that we got news from a couple of nightly news shows, magazines or the newspaper. But now, we see news throughout various social media platforms and apps, which also provide notifications of breaking stories throughout the day.

This constant exposure to real time, shocking or upsetting information can lead to feelings of anger, frustration or fear. And these emotions can cause anxiety and increase our levels of stress.

Yet in times of stress, many of us crave connection with others. After all, it is this connection that helps us to feel loved and cared for, right?

Conversations on social media can be delightful, fun, affirming, overwhelming, time-consuming, frustrating or anxiety provoking.

Add to that a constant barrage of notifications that you have email waiting, some with the high priority symbol or a red flag, and you’ve multiplied those feelings exponentially.

How can you practice self-care by limiting or scheduling when you will consume this information?

We’ve already talked about Tech Free Days and how they can benefit your self-care routine. You may decide that you want to include Tech Free Days regularly and can find ways to manage your day-to-day activities while limiting or temporarily eliminating your social media.

It also starts with an awareness of how you’re feeling about each media source.  Does Facebook or Twitter continue to bring you joy? Or are you constantly feeling angry, helpless or hopeless? Make a list of what you consume every day and start making tick marks in the Joy or Stress column to see if the good feeling you get when participating outweighs the stressful and anxious feelings.

If you want to keep up with news, you might limit watching just before bed or first thing in the morning. This can start or end the day on an anxious note. The beauty of technologies is that you can access most of this information on demand, allowing you to decide exactly how much and when you will take it all in.

Scheduling time to check email and/or social media throughout the day can protect you from unwanted assaults or interruptions. This strategy can definitely increase your productivity – most of us who respond immediately to a notification from news or social media tend to then spend at least 10 additional minutes online after reading the article or post that brought us there. Multiply that times just 10 notifications a day and you’ve spent 100 minutes online without even intending to. If this happens during the work day, you’ve lost 100 minute of productivity. This may make you feel like you can’t get caught up, intensifying your anxiety and stress.

Setting a reminder to check email and social media three times during the work day may not work for everyone, but you can certainly give it a try.  If you check first thing in the morning, just after lunch, and again about an hour or so before the end of the work day, that keeps most people up to date. Of course, if your work requires an immediate response no matter what, this scheduling technique may not work for you. Or perhaps you can find a back-up or strategy to connect to those emergencies without being tethered to the notifications constantly.

Consider ways in which you can connect with people IRL (in real life) again. It’s interesting to me how I still sometimes resist having coffee with someone because it means I have to put on makeup, dress a certain way, leave my house and stop what I am working on for a period of time. Or we email someone rather than call them for something because it’s… what? Easier? Faster? Convenient? Avoidant?

Face to face or voice to voice connections will become a thing of the past if we let them. But truthfully, they can be beneficial to our self-care. I give and receive this experience with a lot of fellow coaches because we can become very isolated in our primarily work-at-home-alone routine. Inevitably, one of us says, “I really needed to talk to you today. This really helped me a lot.”

On the flip side, social media can, for some, be a form of self-care and connection. Reading another blogger’s take on this recently, this hit home for me. Here’s a post from Rest for Resistance on self-care for the radical social media user.

“Offline self-care works great for some people. Yet it’s harder for those of us who don’t have space to sequester ourselves at home with friends and family. Due to isolation, many of us don’t have room IRL to even believe that we deserve space in our own lives. Social media is simply a better source of hope than the outside world.

We all deserve community, and many of us find that online.”

The bottom line is that, aside from the requirements of your job, you get to decide how and when to connect with email, news and social media sources and design your self-care plan around what works best for you. Maybe for today, your act of self-care is just being more aware of how you’re feeling and what might work better for you tomorrow.

 

 

 

Summer of Self Care – Day 12

Sorry, Not sorry.

Sorry pattern

How often do we say we’re sorry for things we’ve done that don’t require a sorry response? Has guilt become an automatic state of feeling for us?

We often say “Sorry” automatically without even thinking about it. “I’m sorry you’re sick.” “I’m sorry you didn’t get the job.”

Neither of these things can be controlled by us, yet we often hear or give a ‘sorry pattern’ response.

 

Here’s another list of Sorry Statements I’ve heard lately:

“Sorry I’m wearing jeans and a t-shirt. Should I wear something more dressy?”

“Sorry, I’m just a moody mess today.”

“Sorry to bother you.”

How often do you hear  the word sorry as a response to an everyday, somewhat inconsequential thing? And are you able to change anything by being sorry for these types of circumstances?

If you realize that you’re just saying an automatic sorry, think about what it does to your self-care. It makes you feel like you did something wrong. Like you’re less than able in some way. Like you are guilty of something. It can make you feel discouraged and sad. Likewise, it doesn’t do a lot for the receiver either. They might just hear a bit of an automated response. And you probably feel like that’s what you’re delivering.

‘I’m sorry you didn’t get the job’ probably doesn’t make them feel as good as, “I know what an incredible employee you are – if there’s something I can do to make you feel better today, what would that be?” That’s an action you can take – being sorry is a passive response that doesn’t really help either of you.

So before saying you’re sorry, ask yourself these questions:

  • Have I really done anything to feel sorry about? (If yes, go to whether you can rectify it, and if so, how.)
  • Am I responsible for this? Why might I feel responsible for this?
  • Is this a “sorry pattern” response in my life? (If yes, what do I need to do in order to break this pattern?”
  • Do I really want to keep feeling guilty about this? How can I let this go once and for all?
  • How can I turn a an automatic sorry into an empowering statement or an offer of support or assistance?

What if your “I’m sorry” began with “Thank you.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As the creator of this Meme and the idea expressed here suggests, shifting the content of the response can shift the way you feel about yourself and puts the receiver in a space of recognizing your gratitude. Or, as in the above example your support.

To me, this is a self-care win-win.

So, if I normally say, “Sorry for being such a moody mess today,” I could say “Thanks so much for standing in this uncomfortable space with me today. I appreciate your unconditional support, especially when I am having an off day.”

“Sorry to bother you” could become, “Thank you so much for supporting me! You’re always so helpful when I need an answer or solution and I have something I’d like to run by you.”

“Sorry I’m wearing jeans and a t-shirt. Should I wear something more dressy?” might sound like, “You know, I was feeling pretty casual today, but if you think I should dress up a bit more, I would appreciate your honesty before we get to the event. I know I can count on you to be totally honest with me.”

“Sorry you’re sick” could turn in to “It sounds like you’re in need of something comforting or healing. Is there anything I can do for you?  (but only offer something if you’re willing. Sometimes I think we use the word “sorry” as a way of being supportive, but we have no time or intention of doing anything. Only offer support if you can follow through – remember Day 4 – let’s not overcommit! It could also be expressed as, “It looks like you are really feeling lousy. Take good care of yourself!” Most of the time, people just want to be heard and acknowledged.

If you’re feeling like the word sorry is playing a bigger role in your life than it could be, try editing it out and replacing it with gratitude or support. As we’ve already learned, gratitude can change your life and it can transform the lives of those around you when they see you practicing extreme gratitude in every way.